A Constant State of Complaint

A Constant State of Complaint

Why is it I do what I hate?
Sometimes, my mind is in a constant state of confusion and complaint. I’m not counting my blessings, and I see nothing but dark around me.
I must admit, it lasts anywhere from hours to a few days. And I know better, having been a follower of Christ for forty-five years. When I get like this my prayers are feeble. My brain is in a fog of confusion.
Is it simply an ungrateful heart? Is it my health? Or could it be the horrific loss? Sometimes it’s all three.
I get to dwelling on the loss of my son by suicide and off my emotions go into a tangent. Couple this with the inflammation which causes intense pain, and I’m not seeing life as I should. As I know Christ wants for me.
God made and loves me no matter how dismal life becomes. He even loves me through the night moments and stages of life, waiting for me to praise Him in spite of these times.
Even though there may not be ‘feel goods’ flowing through me, I can count on God’s love. He doesn’t need my feelings to prove Himself.
As I read God’s blessed word, I notice the biblical characters who suffered. Adam and Eve lost a son to murder. The murderous son was banished from his parents. Who knows if they ever saw Cain again?
A woman had an issue of blood and suffered for years before she touched Jesus’ garment, and He healed her.
I can identify with Eve and my emotions flow like an issue of blood. I feel poured out to the point of exhaustion.
After having held my dying son after he shot himself, I suffer with unsteady feelings at times. I don’t know how to calm these wild upheavals.
Well, I can’t so I go to the Lord, and He stills my heart. He is the healer of my whole being, body, mind, and emotions.
And for this, I’m extremely grateful. The best part? God can use me to a greater extent because I’m broken.
13 Surely the righteous shall give thanks to your name; the upright shall dwell in your presence. (Psalm 140:13, ESV)
When my mind becomes a state of constant complaint, I lift my eyes to the Healer of all and ask for His forgiveness. He marches forward with me on the ever winding path of loss and love.
Father, You are always very, very good. In Jesus’ name. Amen

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Jean Ann Williams About Jean Ann Williams

Jean Ann Williams lives in Southern Oregon with her husband Jim. Although one of their children has passed on to the Great Beyond, their two remaining children have blessed them with thirteen grandchildren, their Baker’s Dozen. Jean Ann keeps up two blogs: the first is about the writing life Jean Ann Williams: Author, and Love Truth where she writes of how God continues to encourage and bless her after her son’s suicide in 2004.

Comments

  1. Jean, thank you for this blog from the heart. In spite of it all, I can see you do come to Jesus. I’m learning He wants us to ‘come thirsty’ and be filled with His living waters. I like your words ‘I lift my eyes….’ May it be so.

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  2. Before I went through my own season of horror, I would not have understood your post completely, but it rings true for every one of us who have experienced dark nights of the soul, and your words are a timely reminder to all of us. We can come to Jesus. We can lift our eyes. He is where our help comes from.

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  3. Only another person who has experienced the hurt you have gone through can understand the depth of your pain and only Jesus can heal it. Thanks for bearing your soul because your story can be a comfort to others who have gone through the same hurt.

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  4. Thank you, Jude, Linda, and Barbara! I hesitated to write this post, because I’m usually a cup half-full person. Joshua’s suicide changed this to a degree, although, I still love to see life as a glass half-full. Thank you, ladies, for your kind words. I’m sad for your own loss, Linda. 🙁 Bless you all!

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  5. Janet K Brown says:

    Great from you, Jean Ann. It’s all about the Lord.

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