More About Jesus

More About Jesus

As I read a scene in Hannah Hurnard’s book Hinds Feet on High Places, I was moved to tears. In the scene the main character, Much-Afraid, looked, “into an abyss of horror into an existence in which there was no Shepherd at all.” This is when Much-Afraid said, “‘Shepherd,’ she shrieked, ‘Shepherd! Help me! Where are you? Don’t leave me!’”

At Much-Afraid’s words, the Shepherd, “lifted her up, supported her by his arm, and with his own hand wiped the tears from her cheeks.”

I understood firsthand how crying out to Jesus can work. When I was at my lowest point three years after my son died by suicide, it was evening when I decided life was not worth the effort.

My husband helped me to our bed, tucked the quilts around me, and stood guard as I wept. I didn’t cry myself to sleep, though. Tears gushed for hours.

Finally, my eyes dried and I whispered, “I know sorrow comes to all people. Please show me how to trust You, God.”

During the pre-dawn hours, I finished the work of surrendering my capable self over to Jesus. I closed my swollen eyes, feeling like a hollowed-out shell. Imagine your body and mind empty. Empty of energy. Empty of your own agenda. The soul becomes ready to accept whatever God has planned.

In other words, I came to a place where I was heavenly spent. That was not the end, though, but a new beginning.

For the next few weeks I walked in a state of disconnect. I appeared, even to myself, as a walking crybaby, wanting nothing more than to be left alone. My family saw the situation as dismal. I, on the other hand, wondered if what took place the night I sobbed for hours caused an important spiritual shift. I didn’t pretend to understand, but wondered if I would forever be a solemn person.

Once again, I was lying in my room alone one evening under the warmth of my blankets, needing a miracle.

“Jesus, I wish you could wrap your arms around me and make me feel safe,” I whispered.

Moments passed and with it a sensation, as if someone had added another blanket on me. I leaned on an elbow and stared across the room. My husband was nowhere around, and no extra quilt had been placed over me. I swallowed in uneasiness, lying back on my pillow. Was my mind playing tricks?

I didn’t understand this comforting pressure which covered the length of my body. Then I remembered my request and whispered, “Are you here, Jesus?”

In response to my question, the weight around my shoulders intensified like a hug. I smiled in the darkened room, with glad tears in my eyes. Is it possible?

Jesus came to me.

At once, I recalled back to the hour after my son, Joshua, took his own life. The name of Jesus filled my whole being as I broke from the horror of the loss of Joshua. Unable to stop myself, I spoke Jesus’s name out loud, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” Being who He is, Jesus crawled into the pit of death with me at this moment. Then, coming full circle three years later, He embraced me as though He were a quilt and helped me climb into the dawn of a new beginning.

Father, God, thank You for loving me through my sorrows and showing me You care. In Jesus’s holy name, I’m grateful. Amen.

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Jean Ann Williams About Jean Ann Williams

Jean Ann Williams lives in Southern Oregon with her husband Jim. Although one of their children has passed on to the Great Beyond, their two remaining children have blessed them with thirteen grandchildren, their Baker’s Dozen. Jean Ann keeps up two blogs: the first is about the writing life Jean Ann Williams: Author, and Love Truth where she writes of how God continues to encourage and bless her after her son’s suicide in 2004.

Comments

  1. Love this post, Jean. It once again brought tears to my eyes just as I cried with you ever since the day you lost Joshua. I’ve followed your journey through your Love Truth blog. You are a remarkable woman, Jean, and I’m proud…snd blessed…to call you friend.

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  2. Oh, Peg, such sweet and loving words. I’m grateful for friends like you! Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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  3. Jean, When I saw the link about Hannah Hurnard’s book, I said YES — I must read this blog – I know that book well – it helped me fall in love with and trust the Shepherd (and later my sister as well) – Your describe so accurately how I felt when our daughter died suddenly and unexpectedly last August. I shouldn’t have been surprised then when I clicked the blog open to find your heart revealing a sorrow and an emptiness to which I could relate. I knew if I didn’t take a step toward God I was lost, and yet I was paralyzed. I just knew that God allowed it. He could have stopped it. My faith was hanging by a thread. I’d purchased a book a year before which I did not read as it seemed too heavy, and now there it was – Falling in Love with God. That is what I needed to do (what you so amazingly did from your wounded heart) so I could let Him minister to me. Thank you for sharing your heavenly hug (I had one years back from another devastating situation) so YES, Jesus came to you. Thank you for sharing your heart.

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  4. Jesus is truly amazing. Thank you for sharing. I do believe we feel a physical connection to our Father. Praise God for his act of love.

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