Torn Between the Two

Torn Between the Two

Last month I wrote about how joy differs from happiness and I ended my post with the reminder of how important it is we remain focused on the truths of God’s grace and love so we don’t get distracted by our circumstances. I bring this up because God used a time in my life when I got not just distracted but derailed by my circumstances.

It was about a year ago at this time that I was frustrated by many things, depressed by many things, distraught by many things and the long and short of it is I was without hope that things would get any better. That, of course, is not what my faith told me, not what I knew in my head or in my heart, and yet I couldn’t see beyond what I was feeling. This, alas, is how I believe most people who are suicidal are feeling. They can’t see beyond what they are feeling.

People get to this point for a variety of reasons and for many it’s a culmination of several circumstances piling one upon another, at least that’s what happened with me. That culmination of events left me feeling that to die would be to gain Christ and rid me of all the hopelessness I was feeling. Some people think people who are severely depressed have lost their faith; I couldn’t disagree more. I continued in prayer, in reading God’s Word, in calling to Him and yet I still was without hope, not without Christ, but without the hope I needed to continue living an earthly life. I couldn’t see God’s purpose for me.

The curious thing is most everyone who knows me would have had no idea the battle that was occurring inside me. It truly was/is a spiritual battle those with depression face. Paul said in Phillipians 1:21-23, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far;…” (NLT)

Even Paul desired to leave this world and the suffering he was enduring being in chains for Christ in a Roman prison. Yet Paul knew that as Christians, we are called to spread the message of Christ to others, we are not to decide when we have fulfilled the purpose God has planned for our lives. Depression is a strong weapon of satan’s and it robs the person of their ability to see things clearly and beyond what is in front of them.

God has used this battle to sharpen my life for Him, to help me realize there are blessings each and every day whether or not we acknowledge them or see them and that He is always there by our side through it all. Some may ask how God was there if I was able to get to such a low point, but I am a stronger person now because of what I went through, I have more to offer others because of what I went through and I know that when I called out to God, He was with me. I hope you will remember that God is always with you too.

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Tina Dorward About Tina Dorward

Tina Dorward is a fully-devoted follower of Christ who loves spending time with her husband and two sons and volunteering at her local church. In her free time she reads, writes, paints and cooks.

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